So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
