I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
