i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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