Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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