The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
