Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
