Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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