i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you never un-have a 4some
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
