I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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