i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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