my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
