You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
