the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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