did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
