I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You're like the curious george of whores
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
