nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The air was thick with penises
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
