her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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