I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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