So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.