I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
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theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
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WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.