I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..