I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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