Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence