Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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