You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
