hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
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I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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