Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
