I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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