I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
