does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
