When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
