forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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