I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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