Can i not drive my cunt home
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize