So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
