i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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