I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
