The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
