i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
