Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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