Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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