Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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