i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
