Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
