OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just high enough for therapy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
