Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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