Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
