wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
