i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
