take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
