it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
