So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Pants are for mortals
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The air taste purple.
Randomize
