My sheets look like a crime scene.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
