What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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