i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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