Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
