so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
